Fancy of A Lost Boy

I don't know any good songs about unicorns (or hippogryphs, for that matter). I do know a lot of great songs of religious and spiritual meaning, of personal and what sometimes seems like collective significance. Why am I writing about that now? Where have I been all this time? These questions are somewhat related.

These past few days I've been reading Richard Dawkin's "The God Delusion", a rather blunt and forceful attack on religion. Already agnostic before I began, I admit the book has carried me over a bit towards atheism. Yet shaking the shackles of the past can take time and I find that even my very way of thought is fraught with the irrational. And a significant part of me doesn't want to abandon it.

But when I say irrational I mean feelings and emotions, not superstitions (which should be left far behind). Religion, like any human creation, has its ups and downs, and while I don't share the belief that the supposed focus of most religions (i.e. god) actually exists as usually described, I can appreciate some of the feelings of wonder, hope and admiration some people of faith seem to share. To believe means to trust completely without question or doubt in something that isn't proven to be so (or perhaps can never be proven), and it's something, though I tried very hard as a child, I could never really accomplish. But to share the ecstasy in Aretha Franklin's rendition of "Amazing Grace", even as a non-Christian, that I can do. Listening to it and similar songs brings me to a point where I feel compelled to get on my knees and start praying (score one for mass media and televangelists), but then I remember there isn't really much of a point (knock out in favor of science and rational thought).

I need my irrational self. I know it's immature, a Peter Pan flying around Outland (Northrend coming soon), living in fancies and dreams. But without his imagination and vision I would be reduced to an empty shell of an automaton. And though there's no outright contradiction between science and the sense of wonder the universe seems to generate, without irrationality, without the presumption, without the fancy of a lost child, there would be no science or wonder as well.

I've found out I'm on a journey; I don't know where I'm going or where I started. The present surrounds and tempts me, the past is foggy almost as the future is murky; the sense of movement itself could be an illusion. And yet, I'm finally beginning to be thrilled about it, to discover between the bouts of storms and thunders, that I am still alive.

I'm sure this song can be interpreted in many ways; mine is taken with a sense of love towards the human race with all its faults, hoping it is on its continuous, never-ending journey in life.

The Highwaymen - Highwayman {Video}

Song of the Morning: Shape Changing Sky

Is God fallible? Can God create a rock so heavy even he cannot pick up? According to the modern version of this ancient wondering, the answer is yes. The answer lies, as with many other things according to everyday capitalism, in money. More specifically, in how money is produced.

For example, the American coins are produced by a single agency (The United States Mint) in a very specific process. Theoretically, though God can conceivably create a second replica coin, it would still be considered fake, even though it would be virtually identical to the original one. So in essence, God can't create "real" money (never mind the church's collection plates). This is supposedly an atheistic argument, as it follows that God is not all powerful as is classically described.

To counter this, theologians might argue that since God has created the world and with it metals and man who enjoys toying with them, he also created (by proxy or as some would term 'inadvertently') the coin and therefore in some sort of a bizarre way there can be no forgery of coins (as they are all the work of God). This might be well received among certain elements in the criminal world, but would be a bit more difficult to grasp by most.

This illustrates what I think the real problem as far as God is concerned: not whether God exists, but how do you define God. After all, how can you agree or disagree about the existence of God, let alone trying to reach any conclusion, without knowing or making a conjecture as to what God is (and isn't). This opens a lot of questions, such as can you actually define God (or anything at all, for that matter), what qualities should God have and what he/she shouldn't, can God be actually addressed in regular human expressions ("he"/"she"/"they") and so on.

As an agnostic, I think the questions may be more important than reaching any 'definitive' answer. Because in questioning God, we also question ourselves, and as far as biology, art, politics, physics, philosophy, psychology and a host of other fields of knowledge suggest, we are no where near an answer. We merely try to ask the 'right' questions.

A similar sense of wonderment, I think, exists in music and its enjoyment. So this post's song comes from Vancouver, Canada's indie singer-songwriter Aaron Cadwaladr, with his own beautiful musings.

Check out Aaron Cadwaladr on his website and MySpace for more info and updates. Buy his debut LP here or on iTunes.

Aaron Cadwaladr - Shape Changing Sky {MP3} (from Shape Changing Sky)

Merry Christmas

When I was a child I used to go to my grandparents up north on the summer holidays. Other than the usual treats (and mis-treats), they also had the advantage of living on a mountain where they could pick up on antenna (no cable back then) some CBN transmissions. Other than the occasional Star Trek re-run, this was also my first exposure to Christianity.

The most played on show there then was the '700 Club', which introduced me to what I still call "the weeping Christians" for fairly obvious reasons. They were always so serious and pleading, occasionally tearing at something I didn't understand. I used to switch channel whenever that show was on (just too boring for a child and probably too tedious for me today, though for other reasons).

The network also had two of my favorite anime tv series of the day: "Superbook" and "The Flying House". Aside from improving my fledgling English, it also introduced me to something strange: the bible stories I was sort-of raised on were not the whole story. In fact, there were a lot more characters and plots in there than I was told. Who knew there was a small mechanical robot involved in the story of Abraham? And who is this Jesus? He seems kinda nice but I've never heard of him before.

When I asked around my parents told me a bit more, in a slightly different version from what was on TV. I didn't understand. I was impressed by what I saw and the stories that were told but there were no Christians where I grew up. What's the deal?

Fortunately, by my Bar Mitzva (at 13) I've had it with religion (as in, Any religion). I don't know if there really was such a person or what his exact exploits were (I personally don't believe he was anything more than a man, which makes him a more powerful Human symbol in my eyes), but I still keep a warm place for that anime-introduced Jesus and what he seemd to have stood for: Love, Compassion, Humility and Justice. Is that a shallow, Christian-missionary derived, globalization sanctioned perception? Maybe. The child in me enjoyed those naive anime and perhaps that's all it takes.

Have a Happy Hanuka, Merry Christmas and a Great New Year.

Bright Eyes - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas {MP3} (from A Christman Album)
I'm sharing Bright Eyes' rendition of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" for the next couple of days only (unless Blogger deletes it first). Bright Eyes' picture is from his Last.fm page.

Song of the Morning: Forgiveness

So it's Day of Atonement, again. Sounds like something out of a science fiction or a fantasy movie, doesn't it? The weird though friendly aliens have a bizarre and morally intriguing day long ritual in which we (the viewers) get a glimpse of some ancient and wise culture (though we, through the main protagonist, eventually refute or reject its ideas, while keeping good relations with the locals in case we ever need to refuel there again). Or maybe I've just been watching too much Star Trek lately?

I'm not a practicing Jew and I have no intention of starting now. Saying that, there are some interesting ideas this day can symbolize. Unlike Christianity, Judaism has no regular absolving mechanism except in the sanctity of this day. Even so, folk beliefs stress that the important area in which to ask forgiveness for and reconcile is the human relations (while the relations between man and god are important, you must first deal with the people you live with). God, it then says, sits in judgment and determines, not too much unlike Santa Clause, whether you've been a 'good boy' and so deserve to live or maybe you've been 'naughty' and would have to end your sorry existence on this earth. Also, there are no presents and you have to fast for 24 hours.

But seriously, the day does carry special meaning and significance even to non religious people. It is the single day in the year when it is quiet. No cars, no radios, no TV. Just children on bicycle in the street, families strolling by, echoes from the synagogues. It's as though the universe changes into some mirror existence of a simpler (somewhat boring if you're of a certain mindset) life.

I find it strange and simultaneously very human and understandable that we still need some God figure (or is it father/mother figure?) to turn to, to make sure it will be alright, that if we follow the rituals it will all be forgiven and washed anew. As Kant said, man refuses to grow up, and who wants to anyway? Why not remain the rebelling teenager who secretly admires and resents his maker, knowing that he will be forgiven no matter what?

A hard day for hard thoughts. Almost like any other.

Engineers - Forgiveness (from Forgiveness)

Song of the Morning: Irreligious Ecstasy

What do you feel when you listen to music? When you experience it? When you sing along unafraid or uncaring if anyone will overhear you? When you dance alone in the dark?
What are you when you are one with it?

While what we may enjoy may be different and there's no account for taste (or is there?), the capacity to enjoy music in the deep sense seems to be a universal trait. At least, I hope it is. While some physical aspects of this feeling can be explained, you still have to get the right "connection" to it - there's a definite subjective element at work. Sometimes I'd like a certain song, other times I'd have enough of it; sometimes I'd discover (or re-discover) a song that has been playing at the background.

The special times are when I manage to let go of myself and connect directly (or as much as I can without the neighbors interfering or my co-workers throwing sharp objects at me) and feel it, flow with it, like being carried in a mighty current towards a roaring waterfall. When the song ends, I feel drained but happy (or, more usually for me, deeply saddened), and very much alive.

This post's musical jewels are affected by religion and religious experience. The first, "Baba Yetu" by Christopher Tin, is an adaptation of the Christian "The Lord's Prayer" in Swahili. The second is a segment from the Misa Criolla, a unique blending of South American Christian Mass/Gospel music by Ariel Ramírez.

Can the feelings of wonder, deep meditation and ecstasy be fully explained by science (here and here)? Even as a non-believer I have my doubts (or perhaps especially as a non-believer). I don't have to share in a belief in order to respect it and those who practice it, especially when they create beautiful music, be it as a part of their worship or not (strangely enough, Mr. Tin seems to be creating music in his sleep).

So, while I don't believe the existence of these feelings in themselves are any sort of evidence to the existence of God, I do believe it is a very strong evidence to the existence of a compassionate, creative and living Humanity, which is something we need to keep in mind just as much as the possible being of the Almighty.

Christopher Tin - "Baba Yetu" (from the PC game Civilization IV)
Ariel Ramírez - "Gloria" (from Misa Criolla)

Keeper of the Hollowed Tome

The empty pages are much sought after
(As the stain of steely ink does offer):
They keep our lore folded crisp
Lest recollection tend to lisp,
And future pass distorted truth
Limiting enlightened sooth,
Filling young with fancied notions,
Watch their heads! Their frantic motions!

Away with you, chars of black -
Let us not in this task grow slack,
The pictures tell a thousand words
Of plebs and snakes and mighty lords
Blessings, curses, all combine
In this sacred valentine -
Bloody language there to smear
an arc wide - and simply - disappear.

Facing mortality

They say that when a man is faced with mortality, whether his own or someone close to him, he may react or respond to it in fairly predictable stages. I'm not sure about the order of things, even here, but I know there is denial, guilt, fear, depression and finally acceptance. So they say.

Am I still in denial? Is this my "regular" depression or a more serious than usual bout of pain? How does my anxiety relate to it all? How much of it does it really matter?

I've recently, perhaps too recently to be writing this post, received rather alarming routine check-up results which continue to point to the deteriorating chronic failure of my kidneys. In addition, they've found an abnormal cluster of blood vessels in my brain. So who's going to 'off' me first? I know the brain thing sounds promising (it's a regular time bomb in there) but so does the 'creeping death' style kidney. My bet is on a third, as of yet undiscovered failing organ (or maybe just a car accident? that could be disappointing after all this medical stuff...).

So yeah, I have to deal with my own mortality. The thing is, between Eros (which stands for the will for life in classic psychology) and Tanatos (same thing only for death), I've always found a certain appeal for the latter. I do not want to die, but how bad do I want to live? What do I have to live for? The answer for these questions is not so obvious to me.

I have one thing to draw comfort and hope from - I know that other people in far worse conditions than myself have found the strength to face their hardships and with a will for life greater than I have thus far felt. Perhaps I should take this as an opportunity to change and challenge what is left of my life, to truly live before I truly die.

Here is a link of a man I admire very much, and not just because of the reasons he'd made the recording, but because of how he lives. Here is Professor Randy Pausch in the famous "Last Lecture".

Finding a new and better Name (or reference) for God

Oh yeah. The headline is pretty presumptuous. I admit, I'm quite tired writing this but I have a feeling that if I don't force myself to sit and write what I've been thinking about now and then in the past few days or more, it may never happen. And I can refer you to one of my earlier posts about the elusiveness of inspiration and so on. Regardless, I thought it was nigh time to raise the discussion level here up a notch (that is, to actually try to start a discussion).

I would like to clarify that I don't mean to offend anyone of any creed and religion with this post. I'm merely trying to do something many of the religious people of the world are trying to do - get close to God.

Anyway, I shall begin by explaining myself. I am not a religious person; in fact, I'm agnostic. Being agnostic however, puts me in a fairly good position to continually debate (usually with myself) on the topic/concept of God. For argument's sake, in this post I'll refer to the Monotheistic God, the one many of use are supposedly familiar with. Also, I don't intend to deal here with the question of the existence of God or the nature of God. So, who or what is God? What are the correct or proper questions we should ask ourselves about God? Are there any wrong questions to ask about God? I've decided to concentrate in this instance on something rather mundane (supposedly) like God's name or reference (meaning, how we refer to God in our language).

So, how do we refer to God? What is God's name? Can God even have a name (such as we can actually relate to)? Well, whether God is a 'mere' philosophical super-entity or the God we're familiar with in the various religions, how do we relate to God in thought or prayer? You may notice I don't refer to God by 'he' or 'him' (or 'she' or 'her' for that matter) as I don't really believe God has anything to do with these natural, human properties. For similar reasons, I don't think the term 'it' is fitting either (nor 'they' and so on). In fact, I don't think there is a fitting and proper term or reference for God in any language I'm familiar with, and not only because of poor vocabulary or lack of philosophical and theological clarity, but because of a conjunction of at least these two factors and additional historical and cultural reasons.

What of God then? Can't we call God by the many names that were coined through out the centuries? Many of them, according to the wonderful Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page) have originated in earlier religions or customs and do not fit today to describe the God we are "familiar" with. For example, the name "El" which means in Hebrew "God" is in fact a name of an old Canaanite god (a rather shocking revelation for me, but understandable given where and when the roots of Judaism come from). Another example is the word "God" itself, which as far as I understand it come from old Germanic from some sacrificial context. In Arabic, similarly to Hebrew, the name of god comes from an old local god from before the Jaheliya ("The time of ignorance", before the coming of the Prophet). Clearly, in my mind, these names do not fit my "image" of God (who/which/don't know what doesn't really have/has an image, sort of... You see what I mean about getting a new and proper reference term?).

I'm not looking for God's first or last names (rather ridiculous notion when you stop to think about it). I'm trying to understand. One of the ways humans try to understand things is to give them names. I claim the current names and reference terms for God are poor and inadequate and a new, clear of any past use and context names and reference terms are needed. Something which will unite rather than divide, something people can relate to, no matter how religious. So I'm opening up the stage to you, my wondrous readers. Help me with this task. Let's make something new and meaningful together. Help me find a new name for God.